April 15, 2012
Dear Mr./Ms. Bossname,
I have checked the handbook thoroughly on this one and, seeing as there's no way for you to sue me over anything, I'm going to go for total honesty here.
I am resigning, which is the polite way of saying that I'm out of this pit as soon as legally possible, which I believe is two weeks from now. As you read this it is now one week, six days, eleven hours, fifty-nine minutes and thirty-two seconds. And it cannot come soon enough.
I know I should say that I'm leaving for some unavoidable personal reason, like I'm dying or I'm moving to Africa or I have to take a super top-secret trip to the moon. But actually, I just got a better offer at another company. Like, a way better offer. They offered me So. Much. Money. It really lets me know what a stingy, miserly human being you are.
I believe I have unused vacation time accrued that should be added to my last paycheck before I leave. I'm going to take the initiative and send that paperwork through myself, since I'm honestly unsure whether or not you know how to use a computer. Good luck finding someone else with my qualifications who is willing to live off this laughable salary.