I'm resigning to spend more time with my family and pursue personal projects. Psych! As you've probably read in the news, I was fired today.
I love (company). I spent two years as your CEO working tirelessly to raise stock prices while never compromising customer service or employee working conditions. I failed on all fronts.
The Board of Directors has decided it's time for me to move on from (company), which is fine by me. Nobody wants a loser. A new CEO means a fresh start for (company), and I urge all of you to get behind whoever takes over. I truly hope that he or she has the skills and insight that I apparently lacked. (Company) deserves to be a global powerhouse, and I am confident that you, the team, can make it happen under new leadership.
Don't worry about me; I'll be fine. You've probably read about my compensation in the same news report. This is, after all, a publicly held company. I want you to know that I'm immediately donating $100,000 to the (City) Humane Society. I'll miss you all, but I'll enjoy being home with my golden retriever, Buddy, for awhile.